Three Years

Three years have gone by with nary a word from me. I'd like to say I've been writing somewhere else but I haven't, I've barely been journaling.

I miss writing. I miss the peace that comes with getting the thoughts out of my head. They've been stuck in my head for three years.

Three years!

My husband retired! Took two whole days off then began Career #2.

I have an almost 6th grader, an almost 3rd grader, and an almost kindergartener.

Three years!

I've...
What I have I done in three years?!

I directed a homeschool group for two of those years.
I took a year off from directing/tutoring and enjoyed being a homeschool mom for a year.

I ran my first 5k.

I went with my family to Disney, twice.

I turned 40.

I laughed a lot in three years, cried, too.

I played with my kids.

I made new friendships, strengthened old ones (even when they moved far away).

I've learned my weight won't make me happy but it can motivate me to change lifestyles.

I've learned I still enjoy running.

Three years!

I have missed writing. My fingers move across the keys with ease, the muscles remember. The words are trying to come out of my head a bit too fast, jumbled and senseless. I need to be writing. Three years is too long to go without writing.

I will write again, and this time I won't wait three years.

Updated, Finally

I can't believe it's been a year since I've blogged. I have many a note pad with blog ideas and partial blogs written out. Hopefully I'll get some finished some time in the near future.

If you're reading this from my blog, you'll notice I've updated a few things. I was long overdue for a update and now it's finally completed.

Now if I can just start writing, again.

{Back to School, Back to Writing} He Held the Keys

We stood not ten feet apart from each other.

Eyes locked, I was not backing down.

So much rage, no more room for fear.

Standing in the darkness,

I was not backing down.

The reason didn't matter, he was mad.

He was always mad.

I wasn't good enough.

It didn't matter anymore,

I was not backing down.

Not this time.

This time I'd make him do something.

Not just yell,

Not just belittle me,

Telling me I'm worthless.

This time, I was not backing down.

He would not hit me,

Although I had wish he would.

Then people might see him for what was,

An abusive husband.

I was not backing down.

I was leaving.

No more.

I deserved better than this.

I deserved to be loved.

I was leaving.

21 years old was not supposed to be like this.

I was leaving.

I turned.

I heard something whiz by my head.

I hadn't noticed he had been holding the keys.

He had missed!

I left.

I had held my ground.

I had gotten out.


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14 years ago I was married to, well, a jerk.  And after counseling I realized it wasn't going to get any better and decided something had to change.  I don't think I had told anyone about how he treated me but, I think, on some level, my mother knew.  And I want to thank her, Thank you, Mom.  You helped lead me to the counseling and you helped give me the courage to leave.  I love you.


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I'm writing with Creative Should, getting Back to School, Back to Writing. Come join the fun.

{Back to School, Back to Writing} By the Dashboard Lights

How many hours spent moving?
How many hours spent traveling?

this nomadic life

every three years
a new place
a new house
new friends
a new me?

every three years
longing for roots
a place to call home
family

family feels so far away at times
all the miles in between
so many road trips
so many miles

watching children grow up in pictures
longing for the days I could just play with them
now they're grown
teenagers
starting their own road trips

so many miles logged
so many miles spent staring out the window
wondering about the passing farm house
what life must be like growing up surrounded by corn
not traffic
not noise

in the quiet of the night
on the road for so long
the kids are finally asleep
no more yelling
no more tears

in the quiet of the night
I'm almost home
traveling the miles for family
taking as many moments as I can
before they grow up

in the quiet of the night
by the dashboard light
I catch a glimpse of my babies
already growing
already well traveled
already nomadic


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In the 18 years since I graduated high school I've lived in three different countries, seven different states, and have moved a total of 12 times.  Each of my children have already lived in two states and the youngest has visited 10.


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{Back to School, Back to Writing} The Beginning

I want chocolate!

What does that have to do with "The Beginning?"

I have no idea, I simply want chocolate.

The Beginning

I've spent much time the past two weeks preparing for a new year of Homeschooling.

I'm working on being more...

more prepared

more organized

more purposeful

more diligent

I'm learning what it means to model behavior.

Telling my children how important it is to read but never taking the time to read.

Teaching my children how to write but never sitting down to pen a letter

or write in a journal.

They occasionally see me on the computer but only my oldest has figured out that this is a type of writing.

So this year I'm starting fresh

I'm beginning anew

While learning about writing, I'll be writing with them

While learning about reading, I'll be reading to them {not just at bedtime}

We'll be memorizing poetry together

I'm not just teaching my children history and math, reading and writing, Latin and English grammar- I'm teaching them how to learn

And I'm learning

                   that it to be modeled.

I'm joining Creative Soul and following the daily prompts in effort to get back into the habit of writing. To show my children, words matter.

My Mighty Toddler

Holding him while he sleeps, he seems so small.

Even though his legs dangle well out of my lap.

And his head covers my entire bicep.

In his sleep he reaches and strokes my collar bone.

Chubby ivory digits so soft against my skin.

His hand is gentle,

precious,

small.

Lying in bed next to his sister, he seems so big.

He is the same length as she,

while she's curled in her fetal sleeping position.

His head perched on a pillow big enough for an adult,

yet it fits him.

He's no longer a baby.

My heart aches for time to slow down just a little.

Every day seems to move a little faster.

And he runs.

He runs with delight to keep up with his sisters.

He runs with determination to not be left behind.

He runs, leading the charge to the next game they will play.

He's running a race he doesn't even know.

And my prayers speed up.

I pray for the toddler he is,

The boy he is becoming,

And the man he will one day be.

A mighty man of God.

Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday: Comfort

GO.

The passage read, "Under His wings you may seek refuge."

The song came flooding back to me.

A song of my childhood.

Based on a Psalm.

Songs from God's people.

Sang so many years ago, adapted, changed here and there.

Or have they been?

A song about God's love.  His protection.  His comfort for us.  For me.

Under His great wings I can seek refuge, I can seek peace, I can seek the warmth not provided by the cold wet weather outside.

He is sufficient, His peace is complete.

He is my Comforter.

STOP.

Psalm 91
On Eagles Wings by Michael Joncas

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His Glory and Grace!

I'm needing this reminder this morning!

My heart is torn with mourning while trying to celebrate life.

My soul cries out and tears well up while my children jump and play around me.

It's a beautiful contradiction.

His Word shall not fail you - He promised
Believe Him and all will be well

Not Yet Completed

My pastor has been preaching from 2 Kings for the past few weeks, I'm finding that I'm enjoying my time there. I even enjoy looking over my notes a day or two later, remembering what the pastor spoke on and the points he made and reading the various emphasized bits from random thoughts that truly spoke to me.

Move Forward or DIE

We were looking at the four men with leprosy standing at the sieged city cage in chapter 7. Simply put, one man said, "If we go back into the city where there is famine, we will starve and die. If we stay here, we starve and die. If we go out to the camp of those who have us under siege, the most they can do is kill us."  {I love that mindset!}

Their only option was to move forward.
Leave the past behind, head for new horizons, sail for new shores.
My only option is to move forward.

I can't live today on the oxygen I breathed yesterday.

Obviously I can't live in the past, but often my mind wanders back to a simpler time, when my husband was home more, when we had more time together as a family, when I had less headaches {literally}. I don't actually want to go back {although it would be nice to be rid of the headaches again}, we weren't a complete family then, my husband wasn't saved, and well, a whole bunch of other reasons.

There is no going back!

Staying put?
When the battle is over, the storm has calmed?
I know there are more trials ahead and there are times I do want to stay, for another moment in the peace and quiet.  I know not to linger long, but I do take extra time holding my babes as they are growing up fast, kiss my husband when I get the chance, just in case...

I know we can't stay in the calm, we'd begin to get comfortable and trust in the calm when we really need to be trusting in Him.  There is always another trial right around the corner, another chance to grow my faith.

I must move forward.  As I grow in my faith, I find moving forward a bit easier. I know, for a fact, that in every trial, every struggle, He is with me. He is growing me, making me something... Something better than I am now, something, great!

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6

He is still working me and I won't be complete; I wasn't yesterday, I'm not today, probably won't be tomorrow, but I must keep moving forward, until Christ's return!

Update?

I was reading my bio last night and it says I'm a mother of two, oops.

I think I need to update the my page, what do you think?

My Journey: Sharing Miracles

Where to begin?
I want to share
What I've seen
What I've heard
What I've witnessed

I've been a witness
I am a Witness

To His glory!

But what good am I as a Witness if I don't share it with others?!

In the past few months I've been witness to life, forgiveness, salvation; I've been able to see people changed and grow in their relationship with Christ. This is just the first of my sharing and my journey back to writing. God is so good and I hope you're able to find the little {and big} miracles in your own life.



I've been blessed to witness the journey of a woman, go from given only days to live, to being HEALED! Going from not knowing God, to being restored in Him and yesterday, trusting her life to Him!

Because a man listened to God, beckoning him, he was in the right place to witness to another man, about to loose the mother of his children. Told she only had three days to live, Godly people ministered to them, prayed with them, stood by these strangers during a scary time. Three days later she was still with us; they stayed, they prayed. Eventually, she went home, although she was unable to get out of bed; but she progressed. Yesterday, she walked into church, stood during the worship, gave her life to Christ and stood again with six others as they were introduced as new brothers and sisters in this family of believers.

Her miracle has been shared by many.
Her miracle has been our miracle.
Her miracle has changed my life.
Changed the way I pray.
Changed the way I see the everyday.
I want to walk with more faith.
I want to encourage others.
I want to share my journey.
I want to seek out miracles.

God is great!
His glory is all around, we must simply seek it.

I'm learning that life as a Christian is not easy; but as a Christian, I have Hope! I have a peace that transcends all understanding. I know I need to be sharing this knowledge.

I need to be sharing my journey.

Jumbled Mess of Thoughts

I have missed writing.

I have had so I much to share but have lacked the time and energy to actually pen my thoughts onto my virtual paper.

I feel I'm successfully navigating my way as a mom of three.
{I'm using "successfully" very loosely!}

Truth be told, I often feel much like a duck. But as each day wanes, I thank God for the grace He's given me and I vow to keep my head up.

I've been wanting to share so much about my new boy! He's wonderful and precious and amazing and nothing like the girls, except for the smiles! God had blessed me with such happy babies! It's only been three months and I already can't imagine my life without him.

I've been wanting to write to my fellow military wives, to remind them that their sacrifices do not go unnoticed. To remind them they are loved. To remind them to ask for help {to remind myself too}.

To share with those who don't know, or don't understand what it's like to wait at home for the phone to ring because you haven't talked to him in days/weeks/months. I don't know that I can fully express the joy of a text message; the way your heart can leap in your chest when your phone chimes and how it can sink when you discover it's not him.

There is no such thing as a short deployment. When Daddy's gone, he's missed, his absence is noticed, whether he's been gone a week or a month. My heart goes out to my friends who are currently missing their men. And my heart rejoices for those who are holding theirs tonight.

This has turned into a bit of a rambling update but it is what it is. {an attempt to get a jumbled mess of thoughts out of my head}

Good night, friends. God bless.

Identity: I am a Princess

Are you living up to God's plan for you?

Are you using your God-given talents to glorify Him?

When I begin to think about my identity in Christ I think of how the world sees me, how I see me and how God sees me.

Does it matter how the world sees me? In the big picture, NO. But it doesn't mean I don't still concern myself with how my friends {or complete strangers} view me. If I raise my voice at my kids, I know God has already forgiven me, my kids still love me, but will my friend think I'm a bad mom?

Where I believe world view matters is the ever important questions: Does my life glorify my Heavenly Father? Do my day to day actions reflect that I am a follower of Christ? Because these things are important!

Does it matter how I see me? Again, in the big scheme of things, NO. When I get inside my own head and make camp, I find I want to change myself. When I get onto myself for an action or thought I have to ask, are these thoughts condemnation from the enemy or convictions from the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:1 tells us "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (ESV) Thus I have to take out the condemning part of the thought and focus on how I can better my attitude and my actions to fit in my walk with Christ.

The truth and the most important identity question is: How does God see me? After all, He made me! He gave me a chance to redeem my life and start anew.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor 5:17 NIV) {Interesting note, NIV, NLT and ISV end the sentence with an exclamation point, I like that!}
Thank God {literally} that I am not judged, especially on things I did when I was younger!

Parts of my identity I need to remember:
I am a new creation.
Made by God.
My Heavenly Father.
I am in Christ.
I am forgiven.
God has a plan for me.
He has given me specific talents that I may fulfill my purpose.

God made me a mother, that's important. Someone thinking I raise my voice too much at my kids, not important. My feeling convicted to treat my children as God treats me, thus raising my voice less and less, important.

I want to fulfill God's purpose for me, even if I don't know what that is. God made me a mother, there's something special there. God made me a sister and a friend, there's purpose in these. He gave me the ability to write and to think with a critical mind. Where these fall into His plan for me, I don't yet know.

I know He made me,
He calls me Daughter.
He is the King of Kings,
My Heavenly Father.

I am a Princess!


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My amazing 5 year-old daughter has accepted Jesus as her Savior and decided to live for Christ. In her words, "not because you and Daddy want me to, but because I love Jesus. I've know God since I was a baby."

My sister suggested I now begin to teach her about her identity in Christ and I thought it was a great time to remind me of mine.

'Twas the Write Before Christmas: Day 2 {2011}

I'm joining a wonderful community of bloggers, celebrating the Advent season and simply writing!




Tuesday's prompt:
‘Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel’


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Brightly shone the moon that night
They stood locked in their embrace
He had to go away again
And tears streamed down her face

Goodbyes were never easy
Especially this time of year
He had a duty to his country
Standing strong she would not fear

She and the kids would miss him
Christmas might not be the same
They'll focus on their Saviors birth
And seeing him again

Wishing to reassure him
She whispered in his ear

"Jesus will protect you
Of that I am quite sure
And if His plans differ from ours
I'll see at the end of this earthly tour"


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To all of our dedicated men and women serving this great nation, I thank you. If you're away from your loved ones then I pray our Lord will give you the strength to hold on to His hope and know His love will see you home. God bless you and your families.

'Twas the Write Before Christmas: Day 1 {2011}

I'm joining a wonderful community of bloggers, celebrating the Advent season and simply writing!



Our prompt for Monday's writing was an amazing photograph of snow covered trees, which can be seen here.

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"Mom, can we go back to Illinois?"
"No, Sweetheart, not right now. Why?"
"Because they have Christmas in Illinois."
"They have Christmas here, too, Sweetie."
"How can you have Christmas with no snow?"

The simple questions of a 4 year-old swirled in my heart for some time. The answers were easy enough to explain and she accepted them without further question and didn't ask again this year. But the conversation has stuck with me for over a year.

The truth is, it doesn't feel like Christmas without a proper Winter and the Mississippi Gulf Coast does not experience what I consider a proper Winter {especially considering when I began this post two days ago I still had my AC on}.

Growing up in Colorado I became accustom to the snow. I am a creature of change and was able to depend on the changing of seasons. I don't mind the heat as long as it's followed by the cool breezes of Autumn and the lush changing of the trees. I can easily tolerate the cold and the snow as long as the run-off uncovers the new life growing under the surface of the ice and snow.

Without these changes I feel stagnant, this leads to sadness, which leads to homesickness; where I, again, long for the Colorado and the changes of the seasons.

In our family, we celebrate Christmas as the birthday of our Savior and I understand, snow or no snow, we will celebrate and cherish the One who loves us beyond measure. But I do find it easier to get into the decorating spirit when the evergreens are blanketed in white.

My Life: Being Held in the Arms of Love

I fell in love with my husband, again last night.

He had walked out of the living room and Bear drowsily walked behind him. Barely holding on to her Elmo, her head drooping to the side, as if she were too tired to hold it up.

I heard a muffled, "I want Daddy." Followed by a few moments of silence.

From around the corner, the two emerged. The not-so-little girl being held against her daddy's chest, embraced tightly by his strong arms. Her head rested perfectly on his shoulder, his head on hers.

I was amazed at the amount of love emanating from such a simple embrace.

A father holding his child.

As our Father holds us.

Goals: Accountability Update 2

I missed last week and am a day behind this week, but better late than never... {Right??}

Thank you, Ally, for motivating me!

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Recurring goals {items needed to be completed daily, weekly or monthly}:

Read my Bible daily!
I need to remind myself why I want to do this! It is in the Word that I find peace, I find answers, I am reminded of Jesus' love for me, I'm reminded how special I am, and that no matter what, I am NEVER alone!

Create and stick to a house cleaning/maintenance schedule. Enlist the children's help. {They really do enjoy cleaning}
I have my weekly schedule written, the girls help when I ask, unfortunately I haven't kept on top of it. But it is written!

Create and stick to a prayer schedule. {Praying for specific groups of people each day}

I have it written and I'm praying!

Complete monthly budget before the beginning of the month so Josh and I can have budget meetings.
I'll be wrapping it up today so we can have December's meeting this evening.

Take weekly "field trips," even if it's just to the back yard, to study something pertaining to that week's lesson.
I'm failing at this one!


Short term goals {in no specific order}:

Finish the baby's room. {His changing table is B's dressers, thus I need to get B a new dresser!}
We have the dresser, but it is nowhere near being finished.

Organize B's schooling, still allowing for flexibility.

This is now included on my schedule!

Be debt free! {Yes, this is short term! Thanks to Dave Ramsey this should be completed within the next couple months!}

Blog more.
Slowly but surely.

Get B back on a chore/commission work schedule.
She's been working around the house I just haven't paid her, I guess I should add that money to the budget.

Beginning with the Spring semester {I have to allow some time to figure out how to be a mom of 3} take at least one class per semester.

Memorize scripture.
I'll be working on 2 Samuel 22:2-3 this week if you want to join me.

Reduce TV time! I would like to reduce the amount of evening TV time too, but I do need to discuss it with Josh {I'm sure he'll support the idea.}
Still just a little better.

Have company over, couples over for a game night or something. I've got to get over this not-quite fear of hosting.

Get on an exercise routine.

Clean out garage.

Eat out less.
Hopefully we can stick to our menu this week.

Plan a date night with my hubby! I'd like to do this monthly but with work schedules and life in general I'll accept every other month or so.
Still hasn't happened.

Reorganize all closets and storage areas in the house, make better use of them.
I started with the cleaning closet and have moved on to Baby J's room, the girl's closet is a work in progress but it is progressing.

Reduce the girls' toys to about half. I'd like to complete this before Christmas!

This is actually complete but I'm not taking it off yet because I want to reduce the toys even more!


Long term goals:

Maintain "gazelle intensity" and save up enough money for {hopefully} a 50% down payment on a house once Josh retires and figure out where we're going to live.

Finish degree.

Learn a foreign language. I'm currently learning Latin with B but would like to be fluent in a commonly spoken language as well.

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All in all I feel that I haven't done very well but I know, progress is progress and this week will be better!

My Life: Update

As I finally have some time to write I know I should be writing something profound or updating my goals but instead I'll be conducting an experiment... I'm going to attempt to write this entire post from my phone while laying in bed. So it's really just going to be a personal life update because I know all three of you are sitting on the edge of your seats, dying to know what my week has been like.

Quite honestly, its been a little rough. Managing the girls while 34 weeks without the help from my husband is proving more difficult than I had anticipated. I had put in place, events and people to help the week go faster but that ended up failing as one person after another had to cancel, thus leaving with a whole lot of alone time with my girls.

With each cancelling text and email I felt more and more alone. Each person had a very good reason but when you're hormonal and a bit lonely it's hard not to take things personally, if only briefly.

So I cried, and cried, sobbing, asking God for help. He came through {as He always will} not in the way I would have chosen, but in the form of strength, grace and He helped my girls go to sleep early and without a big fuss. Thank yo, Lord!

I've been so tired this week! B has been waking up early all week, Bear has been having issues sleep during the night, she was up at 3am yesterday and stayed for about an hour. Couple the girls sleep habits with my pregnancy and sleep doesn't seem to fit in anywhere.

But alas, I lay in my bed yawning. I think it may be time to sign off, I have an early doctor's appointment in the morning.

Goals: Accountabilty Update

As part of the challenge put forth by Ally, we (Ally, Jaime and I) are checking in with each other in order to show support, please join us.

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Recurring goals {items needed to be completed daily, weekly or monthly}:

Read my Bible daily!
Doing pretty good, but I need to get better!

Create and stick to a house cleaning/maintenance schedule. Enlist the children's help. {They really do enjoy cleaning}
haven't yet but I have cleaned this past week! {woohoo, me!}

Create and stick to a prayer schedule. {Praying for specific groups of people each day}

Complete monthly budget before the beginning of the month so Josh and I can have budget meetings.
It wasn't completed before the first of the month but Josh and I did have our budget meeting.

Take weekly "field trips," even if it's just to the back yard, to study something pertaining to that week's lesson.
I haven't decided where we're going this week.


Short term goals {in no specific order}:

Finish the baby's room. {His changing table is B's dresser, thus I need to get B a new dresser!}
Budgeted money for the dresser so hopefully soon.

Organize B's schooling, still allowing for flexibility.

Be debt free! {Yes, this is short term! Thanks to Dave Ramsey this should be completed within the next couple months!}

Blog more.
Slowly but surely.

Get B back on a chore/commission work schedule.

Beginning with the Spring semester {I have to allow some time to figure out how to be a mom of 3} take at least one class per semester.

Memorize scripture.

Reduce TV time! I would like to reduce the amount of evening TV time too, but I do need to discuss it with Josh {I'm sure he'll support the idea.}
Getting a little better.

Have company over, couples over for a game night or something. I've got to get over this not-quite fear of hosting.

Get on an exercise routine.

Clean out garage.

Eat out less.

Plan a date night with my hubby! I'd like to do this monthly but with work schedules and life in general I'll accept every other month or so.
Hoping for this week, just need to work out a sitter.

Reorganize all closets and storage areas in the house, make better use of them.

Reduce the girls' toys to about half. I'd like to complete this before Christmas!


Long term goals:

Maintain "gazelle intensity" and save up enough money for {hopefully} a 50% down payment on a house once Josh retires and figure out where we're going to live.

Finish degree.

Learn a foreign language. I'm currently learning Latin with B but would like to be fluent in a commonly spoken language as well.

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All in all I feel that I haven't done very well but I know, progress is progress and this week will be better!

Bigger Picture Moment: He Missed Me

I've been feeling empty lately.

Going through the motions more or less; bogged down by the flesh, pregnancy, motherhood.

My prayers have been lacking.

I have not been encouraging my husband.

I have not been lifting up others.

I have not been using my God-given breath to glorify Him.

I've been feeling utterly empty.


The moment of awareness came one morning when I felt heavy, I couldn't take even one more step. The sickness and the tiredness I felt was not physical, it was spiritual. I laid on my bedroom floor, as prone as a 7 1/2 month pregnant lady can, and prayed. Knowing not what to pray for, I just prayed.

A few minutes later I was able to sit up knowing what I was supposed to do next. Within my reach was my Bible. Opening it to Psalms, I read the first chapter I came across, then the next, then several more until I finally felt I could stand back up.

I knew what God was telling me to do, come back to Him.

Seek Him.

Talk to Him.

He missed me.

Like a father misses his daughter when she doesn't call or write, He missed me.

He missed me!

I wasn't feeling empty because He had gone somewhere, I had stopped seeking, if only for a little while. I needed to find Him, seek His arms.

I was feeling empty so that He could fill me!

Fill me with His love, grace, promises, His goodness, His mercy!

All I had to do was to look, to ask.



Reading my Bible daily and spending more time in specific, intentional prayer, I have felt His peace the past few days. Oh how I've missed this peace. Life still tries to get in, the girls still act like, well, themselves, but I have my peace back. I have been hugged by my Father and my cup runneth over!

If you haven't picked up your Bible in a while, why not start with Psalm 23. It reads like a love letter in the King James version.

I am so thankful for the love letters He has given us!