My Journey: Depression

While reading this post last night I became emotional. I bawled, I cried and I cried, then found myself crying some more.

I didn't fully realize where I was until I read it in someone else's words.

I am drowning.

The truth is, for some time now, every day has been a struggle. Each day I wake up I wonder if I'll sink or swim. I know someone out there is thinking, "simply choose to swim." But it's not that easy when depression is looming just beneath the surface.

Having a history of depression I can usually see the warning signs: lack of motivation, quick to temper, sadness, etc. These signs have been prevalent lately and I've been trying to stave off this funk. Yet, here I am again, back in the water, struggling to find my footing.

In this water (aka depression, funk, whatever) is not where I want to be. I don't like who I become when I'm fighting for air. And the worse part is that it affects my family.

When I'm tired I don't want to play with my girls. My tolerance for, well, everything is lowered. I overreact to the smallest problem, often snapping at my precious babies. They don't know what's wrong with Mommy, so they begin to walk on eggshells and avoid me. This, of course, breaks my heart and worsens the depression as I'm wracked with guilt.

It's a vicious cycle.

The way I treat my husband is just shameful.

At my worse, I ended up on meds. I couldn't get out of that funk on my own.

My lifelines have come in many forms, my sister, my husband, my friends, my kids, my God! Usually one of the previous has to remind me to turn to Christ.

Just this week I received two life lines I wasn't expecting. The first came in the form of my pastor, simply reminding me I am NEVER alone!

The second was Hyacynth's post. It opened my eyes to see the water around me. I think I've been struggling to swim since I've been here in Mississippi but haven't wanted to admit it.

So tonight as I finish this post I will admit, I'm in the water! But I'm not alone. While my feet still aren't on solid ground I do have a few floaties and a life vest is within my reach.

My Journey: The Closing of a Chapter

It is often said when you make a big move that you are beginning a new chapter of your life. I very much am, but a more important chapter ended in Great Lakes.

While we were living there I came back to Christ. I say "I came back" because He never left me! I have been in His grasp without really knowing it. No, I knew. I've never felt abandoned by God, I've always know that it was I who left. But here I am, a whole new woman, changed by the grace of God!

I arrived in Great Lakes scared, knowing no one, lonely, and 7 months pregnant with little to no self confidence. I left a totally different person. And while I never believed a person was capable of change, I did in fact change. The way I think, process information, the way I feel, it's all changed. I have changed! But I know I didn't change me, it was not a do-it-yourself book that lead me to my new life. It was Christ!

2Cor 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the has come!"

I now know you don't just change when you're all new. Someone looking at me isn't going to say "hey look, she was saved yesterday." We're still human, still have to fight sin and temptation. Yes, every once in a while I slip and curse or judge someone, the difference is now, I know God has forgiven me, He doesn't keep a record of my wrongs, why should I?! I strive to live by example, be a light, show others the glory of God. Living a good life, doing right, being a good wife and mother, friend and sister is not easy, but with Jesus by my side, lighting the way...

I believe and I make an effort to be better. I think I am better, better than the immature, scared girl I was when I moved there. The long chapter of my being alone is ending and something so much better is beginning.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15

Being Moved

Today I was moved by a song.

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

I remembered the first time I attended Immanuel, a little nervous being somewhere new. Standing next to my friend quietly singing along with songs I had never heard.

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

It had been some time since I had been to a church and felt moved. I found myself swaying to the beat, lifted by the songs.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

When some of the people raised their hands in the air I was a bit worried, was this THAT kind of church?

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

I regained my faith at Immanuel. Dedicated my children in the sanctuary, prayed for my husband, our lives. I met new people, loved new friends. Found me in my search for Christ.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

The family I found at Immanuel changed my life.

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

But what about those people singing with their hands in the air?

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

I'm one of them. Moved by the Spirit, loving the music, hands above my head. Unapologetically, loving the Lord!

(Hillsong United - The Stand)

My Friend!

My dear friend has suffered a great loss that I don't know. But I've learned I don't have to know the pain and the loss to comfort her, support her and lift her up in prayer! She is my sister in Christ, a relation I never knew until her. She is a blogging inspiration to me, her words are beautiful and rhythmic, they flow off the screen like dandelion seeds floating on the breeze.

In one of her more recent blogs she mentioned seeing her father's eyes looking back at her in the mirror and I was instantly whisked to my past listening to Amy Grant singing "Father's Eyes."

Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain

knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same.

If her father is anything like she is, Heaven is rejoicing!

My Journey: A Simple Wish

My wish for my children isn't to always get along.

It isn't that they would share all their belongings with each other.

Or even always like each other.

My wish for my children is that they would always be there for each other.

Love and trust one another.

Seek Truth, know Christ and find comfort and answers in the Word!

Surprise: Hooray!

A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, while others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,
"Hosanna to the Son of David!"
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Hosanna in the highest!"
(Matthew 21:8-9)

"Hooray! Hooray! Jesus is our King today!"
(Brenna and the other MOPS kids)



Today at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) we got such a lovely surprise: they brought, not quite all, the kids up to sing for us. They marched in waving palm branches, holding little signs and saying, "hooray, hooray, Jesus is our King today!" It was absolutely precious. All the kiddies got up on the stage and then they sang us a song, of which I've already forgotten. But it was cute none the less.
It was great! I was so proud of my little girl. I don't know what I was expecting but she marched in and gave me a kiss (I was sitting in the marching path), stood up there and sang and then gave me a kiss on the way out. I don't know if I was thinking she'd want to stay with me or if she'd mess around on the stage but she didn't do either. She looked like such a big little kid. Like she's growing up or something.