While reading this post last night I became emotional. I bawled, I cried and I cried, then found myself crying some more.
I didn't fully realize where I was until I read it in someone else's words.
I am drowning.
The truth is, for some time now, every day has been a struggle. Each day I wake up I wonder if I'll sink or swim. I know someone out there is thinking, "simply choose to swim." But it's not that easy when depression is looming just beneath the surface.
Having a history of depression I can usually see the warning signs: lack of motivation, quick to temper, sadness, etc. These signs have been prevalent lately and I've been trying to stave off this funk. Yet, here I am again, back in the water, struggling to find my footing.
In this water (aka depression, funk, whatever) is not where I want to be. I don't like who I become when I'm fighting for air. And the worse part is that it affects my family.
When I'm tired I don't want to play with my girls. My tolerance for, well, everything is lowered. I overreact to the smallest problem, often snapping at my precious babies. They don't know what's wrong with Mommy, so they begin to walk on eggshells and avoid me. This, of course, breaks my heart and worsens the depression as I'm wracked with guilt.
It's a vicious cycle.
The way I treat my husband is just shameful.
At my worse, I ended up on meds. I couldn't get out of that funk on my own.
My lifelines have come in many forms, my sister, my husband, my friends, my kids, my God! Usually one of the previous has to remind me to turn to Christ.
Just this week I received two life lines I wasn't expecting. The first came in the form of my pastor, simply reminding me I am NEVER alone!
The second was Hyacynth's post. It opened my eyes to see the water around me. I think I've been struggling to swim since I've been here in Mississippi but haven't wanted to admit it.
So tonight as I finish this post I will admit, I'm in the water! But I'm not alone. While my feet still aren't on solid ground I do have a few floaties and a life vest is within my reach.